Money Train

I remember seeing the trailers for this film on tv, and the year it came out was cemented in my mind. 1995. For most other films, I’d have to look up the year or do mental calculations, but not for Money Train. Like instinct, I knew the year. 1995. Say “Money Train” to me, and I’d respond with “1995.” This is the connection I had with this film. A film I had never seen…until now.

Train

As I was about to start Money Train, I saw it was listed as a “comedy.” Hmm. I never got that vibe from the commercials, but okay. No, more than okay. That’s good news. I didn’t go into this film expecting laughs, and now I was going to get laughs? Hell yes. And on top of all that, there’s Christmas decorations in this film? Money Train is a Christmas film!

Money Train

Disappointment

But then, the movie actually started and I tuned out almost immediately. For a comedy it wasn’t particularly funny. John was fine but Charlie was unlikeable to the max, and the first storyline, with Grace, was a little awkward.

Charlie during an undercover operation

Torch, on the other hand, gave a twinge of much needed excitement (the only real twinge I got), but it felt so disjointed from the rest of the film and was over just as it was got started. I thought Torch was like the mini-boss to lead up to the big boss, but there was no real big boss, unless you count the money train itself.

Inside the money train

I always imagined this was going to be an Ocean’s 11-style heist movie, but it was a lot simpler than that. I can’t believe it took 3/4 of the film’s runtime for the actual heist to start, and when it actually started, it was dull. The fact that I didn’t give a shit about Charlie didn’t help matters at all. So what we’re left with is, pretty much, a 30-minute scene involving two people on a train saying “oh no,” while pushing levers and whatever up and down.

Hitting the brakes

Am I oversimplifying the heart of this film and the entire reason it exists? Am I being too harsh? No, not at all. In fact, I may not be harsh enough. For a film that I’ve had a psychic connection with for a quarter of a century, this was a complete and total letdown.

This is John

I find it interesting that the original plan for Money Train involved filming it in New York’s actual subway, presumably to save money, but when they couldn’t work out the logistics, they just recreated it as an elaborate set (3,000 feet long!). That’s insane! So much work was put into that, which is about the only element of this film I can applaud. Had this film come out just a few years later, I’m sure it would have involved heavy use of CGI.

And this is Charlie

Money trains were retired in 2006, so there’s no chance for a sequel or a remake, unless they took place before that happened. A prequel definitely wouldn’t be off the table, but I see no demand for it. So please, let’s put the money train to rest and we will not speak of this film again.