Microsoft Windows 95 Video Guide

Join Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry as they learn all about Windows 95 in this hi-larious video

Plot Summary

We start in the Microsoft offices, with Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry meeting Bill Gates’ loyal assistant, Bernice Keppleman. She’s not a real Microsoft employee by the way, but an actress playing one. I checked.

Jennifer and Matthew are there because they want to meet with Bill Gates about starring in a Windows 95 video, but he’s out. In the meantime, Bernice takes them to his office to give them a peek at Windows 95, whether they want it or not.

Bernice says there are four things they need to know about Windows 95: it’s easier, faster, more powerful, and has great compatibility. She introduces the Start Button, then moves on to the task bar.

“Task bar?” asks Jennifer Aniston, “Is that anything like a Snickers bar? Does that have nougat?” “What is nougat?” asks Matthew Perry. Bernice wisely ignores them both.

Uninvited Guests

Jen says she’s hungry. Bernice tells Jen to pull up a document containing a menu of a local Chinese restaurant; she orders Cashew Chicken, Szechuan Beef, and Mushu Pork, and they fax the order to the restaurant.

Boris, the window washer, comes in and talks about plug and play. Perry asks, “What is that, some kind of hair replacement for kids?” and I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. Boris plugs in a printer to install it; Jen calls floppies “flappies,” and it’s supposed to be funny.

The guy who plays Boris is a pretty good actor because I have never seen anyone look so happy installing a printer.

The mailroom guy, Chipster, comes in; he kinda reminds me of Corey Feldman.

Chipster tells Jen and Perry how communicating online is the “hot thing right now,” and they log into MSN. Perry gets excited because he wants to e-mail his friend in a grunge band. Can this video get any more 90s?

Chipster shows everyone cat photos (at least some things never change), then the Chinese food arrives. The delivery man leaps off his bicycle and does some martial arts moves while screaming.

Another eccentric character, Joystick Johnny, rides into the scene; he’s “the most feared video game warrior in the territory,” and he’s also played by Sam Huntington. Johnny challenges someone to play against him in 3D Pinball; Jennifer Aniston accepts and of course wins despite never having played before.

Perry’s friend and his grunge band come in with a cd of their music, which they put in the computer for all to hear. Jennifer presses a red button that she was told by Bernice, earlier in the video, to never press, causing all the side characters to get sucked into the computer. Jennifer and Perry leave them there and walk out the door.

The Boring Part

We move to the more instructional part of the video, where a narrator reviews what we learned and goes more in depth with some of Windows 95’s features. Then, the final part of the video goes over the 20 most commonly asked questions about Windows 95. System requirements, “Will my stuff still work?” “How do I do stuff?” etc.

Thoughts

Well, this is what it is – something that was difficult to watch. These are some of the lamest jokes I have ever heard. I felt the script was written by a Microsoft employee more accustomed to writing press releases than a “sitcom” (which is what this “is”)…but it wasn’t.

And it’s not just that the jokes are lame, which they are, but as soon as one shows up, it gets repeated a few times, and characters call attention to it as if to say “hey, this is really funny!” Not only that, but a Seinfeld-theme-sounding-sting every time there’s a joke (or joke attempt). All I can say is I’m glad this video didn’t have a laugh track.

The stars of the piece are Jennifer Aniston, who plays “the dumb one,” and Matthew Perry, who plays “the goofy one.” That about sums it up. The only thing remotely funny about this video is that they were obviously cast to cash in on the popularity of Friends, but neither Friends, nor the characters they play, are named or referenced at all.

The only thing this video is good for is 90s nostalgia – there’s so much! And looking at the Windows 95 interface was a little fun and brought back some old memories. I probably should have just skipped the sitcom segment of the video altogether.

Jennifer Aniston is embarrassed at being in Leprechaun. I think she should be more embarrassed at being in this.

Counters

Awful Jokes: 68